Retracing to the Rooftop


‘Although I may not be with you, know that my love for you will always be true.

Hold them close to your heart, and know that from your side I’ll never part’


I still miss you.

I still keep thinking about you for hours. There are those moments in my life, when suddenly something reminds me of you. There are days, when all I think about is you. About us. And then there are days, where there aren’t any moments that remind me of us.

I still keep sleeping to tears for nights, reliving everything we ever had. I wonder, if you ever think about me?

I came home late one day. I came home expecting the lights of the front porch to be on with you there. You waiting for me, with a book in your hand and deep sleep that rested in your eyes. And with a look of relief how you used to come up to me, hug me and then we used to go sit on top of the roof. With beer, cool wind and just you and me.  When we stayed up all night just talking, even though you were tired and sleepy you never missed the roof talks for anything. those days when it was just both of us for each other.

And now, it’s all back to that day when you held my hand, stopping me from going and taking me up to our rooftop for one last time.

Now all that remains, is just me, the roof and a puff of smoke around. I still go through our pictures. Every day, I pick a favourite one. And it all feels so real. That the photos were still true and not just memories long gone.

Yesterday night, I came home all drunk and teary. It was our birthday. But I had no one to celebrate it with, just a bottle of beer. Remember how we spent out last birthday together. First we went to that carnival, and like every other yet unexpected cliché story, I won you a huge unicorn. It’s still her you know. Do you not even miss it? We went on so many rides, had candy floss, the best cheat meal. Oh, remember our favourite moment?

The Ferris wheel? How it suddenly stopped right on the top?

Overlooking the city lights, your head on my shoulder and something so inseparable between us. And no, it wasn’t cliché that it stopped right then. I had to bribe that pierced guy to stop it when we were on the top. Trust me, nothing was ever so beautiful for me that day. For you, the view was spell-bounding. No doubt it was, but you were even more mesmerizing than that. With that twinkle in your eyes, the best smile my eyes had ever seen and nothing else but just seeing someone who looked exactly like me but so much more stronger and beautiful

I miss you more than anything. I miss your smile, your laughter. You joy, your tears. Your scolding and you caring for me, me chasing you around in the house and you staying up late until I came home. I miss every bit of you, every piece of us. You were my only pillar in life.

And I know, all you asked from me was to stay strong after you left. But how will I, when there is nothing I can hold on to? When the only thing keeping me up, is now long gone. When my only hope in life is never going to return. I know, I always used to say that I was the better twin, , but I was so wrong. There can never be anyone like you.

And you know what kills me the most?

Coming here every day to talk to you, with a bouquet of your favourite flowers but all I get in return is:

‘In loving memory of- ‘

I could never get the courage to read beyond that. But the only thing that keeps me going on each moment in life is what you wanted engraved on that:

A martyr for the nation, but a hero for my brother.

You, will always be my hero. My twin. The girl who meant the most to me. The girl for whom I was ready to do anything. the girl, who served the nation but always had her heart right beside mine.

This is to you, on your day.

It’s army day today. And there, among all other army men telling me that my sister, the Colonel Captain of Indian Army will always be living in our hearts, I would never forget the smile on your face when I said my last words to you. Which are true even today,

‘I am proud of you, Di’