The Wonderous Feeling of Being Whole


This is an excerpt that I came across while reading one of my literature texts:

“But then, how can you ever know the whole of any person? Sometimes, I feel we are all doomed to be strangers to one another, forever sealed in separate glass jars we call ‘self’.

A few weeks ago, a sudden conversation led me to thinking about this. About how we all have different side of ourselves at different times, places or moments. And a complete different side when we’re with ourselves at nights. Then I went thinking, why do we portray different side of ourselves rather than just the whole of us every time? I knew the answer. All of us know the answer on why we project different parts of us rather than the whole of us. But yet, I thought what would happen if we just took a step ahead and tried. Tried to be the whole of ourselves and not just bits of it. True. Real. Vulnerable. Wouldn’t that make this world a more real place to live in? Like, don’t we sometimes wish we knew the whole of the person sitting right next to us in the hall? Wouldn’t it be nice for us to be whole of us for once?

But then, I got to see the flaws in that thought. For starters, I didn’t know who the whole of me is. I don’t know if I could be whatever whole of me is there everywhere. I don’t know if that’s even anywhere close to being realistically happening or logical. Like I can’t be the same as who I am in front of both my family and friend circle. And there are different kinds of people in my life and a different level of closeness and bond with each one of them. So it didn’t make sense. But, I wanted it to.

No matter how utterly unrealistic or unhappening this was, a force inside me was pushed towards standing with this thought. So, I gave it a go. I couldn’t discard the thought without trying it on myself. I tried to explore and find out about the unknown parts that made me whole and tried to be more real about myself.

And boy, it was some move. It was both difficult and liberating at the same time.

For so long, I hid behind the world of fictional world. So when it came letting myself being thrown into the real world, it was a change. I used to acknowledge my emotions through rhymes in my poetry and when I came to it, I finally took a step ahead in accepting and admitting how I am truly feeling. I agreed to things I wouldn’t have given my first priority to, I tried stuff which would never have made to my list, I moved from being reckless to careful, from thinking about bigger things than which show to watch. I tried not to be conscious of my flaws rather armor them. I started choosing, hearing and doing things which I would have wanted. So maybe, we can truly start to spend time with ourselves. We can try to actually understand our thoughts and not shut them in a bin and label it as “Overthought, Unwanted.” There is a lot. I tried to be more open which definitely was a huge thing for me.

But mind you, these weren’t significantly big things that created a change or could be seen. They were surprisingly smaller, tinier steps. Which I didn’t take for them to get noticed but took them to be felt by myself. This is merely a start. A start to know if one can ever truly be the whole of them.

I don’t know if we can. I don’t know if I can or if it is even something that makes sense. But, I am writing this today because I am giving something I have thought about a lot a color to be painted on the blank canvas. I didn’t leave it alone. And if you have something you are thinking about as well, unsure about it, maybe give it a try?

I feel good about myself. Maybe, your thought would like it too. And who knows, maybe we can be whole too?

you are infinite.

~Just Another Sparkle